1602 Witch Hunter Angela by Marguerite Bennett

1602 Witch Hunter Angela1602 Witch Hunter Angela by Marguerite Bennett

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

This is going to be a short review because I didn’t understand a single thing that happened.


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Art Ops

Art Ops Vol. 1Art Ops Vol. 1 by Shaun Simon
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

(Received from Netgalley for review.)

What a miss. At first glance, the premise sounded interesting. Unfortunately, it’s half baked. First, there’s the concept of “saving” art by relocating the human figure inside it. Which means, I guess, that art without human figures is somehow less real? Put aside, I guess, how totally cool the people in the paintings are with being people in paintings, and with a modern world they really shouldn’t know much about. Ok, whatever. Now let’s get to the villain, who’s apparently motivated by the fact that people looked at her painting less because she’s “ugly”. She’s drawn in a sort of cubist style, which we all know is totally unpopular and that absolutely nobody spends hours obsessing over the works. Oh, wait, they totally do. It’s very strange that this book equates (morally) good art with conventional notions of beauty, and (morally) bad art with anything that isn’t strictly representational. It’s a bizarrely regressive view of art. If I felt like the author was setting up that view to knock it down, that would be one thing. It would be a point a few decades past its prime, but I could follow that. I sincerely don’t get that sense here.

Aside from that, the main character is obnoxious and I cringed every time he was on the page. Most of the characters are at least a little annoying, but that’s mostly because they’re blandly characterized. Mona Lisa in the real world could be any number of previously sheltered princesses, and there’s absolutely nothing about her that follows from being a centuries old painting. Main character Reggie Riot (ugh, seriously?) is on a totally different level. He’s the sort of juvenile wannabe punk who thinks it’s hilarious to tie up a cashier because he doesn’t like the clothes sold in the store she works in. I wanted to slap him.

There’s an interesting premise in here, but it isn’t executed very well, and the views on art are weirdly outdated.

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Flashpoint: The World of Flashpoint Featuring Wonder Woman by Dan Abnett

Flashpoint: The World of Flashpoint Featuring Wonder WomanFlashpoint: The World of Flashpoint Featuring Wonder Woman by Dan Abnett
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

The futility of this book is beyond belief. I came into this with the bare bones of the story, having already seen the movie and I have to say – the movie is infinitely better.

The first four or five stories all focus on how the war in the Flashpoint world came about, then there’s a totally random one about Lois Lane and the resistance and even more random one about a white skull villain called the Outsider.
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Scarlet Witch by Dan Abnett

The Avengers: Scarlet WitchThe Avengers: Scarlet Witch by Dan Abnett
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

This book is so bad, it’s hilarious.
I understand the material is old (it’s stuff from the 70’s), it was a different time back then and comics are still not that kind towards women.
But.
I recommend this only if you:

(a) Want to have every feminist bone in your body broken horribly
(b) Want to read a series of useless stories that defy common sense
(c) Want to see Wanda in a swimsuit
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Review: Lobo Vol. 1: Targets, by Cullen Bunn

Lobo Vol. 1: Targets (The New 52)Lobo Vol. 1: Targets by Cullen Bunn
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

ARC from Netgalley in exchange for honest review/feedback.


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OK, my waiting has finally ended! I’m now allowed to reveal that…Lobo is the WORST New 52 book I’ve ever read.

Cullen Bunn…2 “n”s together look like an “m” so it’s Bum, which is a synonym for “ass” and what comes out of an “ass”? “Shit”.

(Little known fact, Peter Milligan and Cullen Bunn are in fact, clones of Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti’s love child).

It’s been over a month, and I can’t recall much now, other than seething rage at how STUPID this was.

I was so fucking happy to get a NetGalley DC book, because they’re usually quite picky about who gets it…so of course, that should have had me worried when I got OK Green light approval…
That should have been more curious when I had a moratorium on comments or reviews until it was published. I tried to save you all…I think I might have prevented one or two reads…

Here’s the deal: Lobo we all “know” and “love” (Hardly do and barely acknowledge actually) the whole of his run, was actually an imposter. He’s decapitated and dispatched by the REAL, TRUE Lobo. Who’s actually quite an annoying shit to be perfectly honest. NO sense of humour at all. DC really cracked down on this. They literally sacrificed Lobo, the sense of humour character (similar to a Deadpool, but not as funny at all) in the opening pages. So DC kills humour. For real. It was like a terror cell showing you they aren’t kidding, no more humour in New 52 DC. Not unless it’s on OUR terms.

Once that apt metaphor is executed…like old Lobo…we get to watch the “real” Lobo go around and do some more killing, following around some idiots towards Earth, there’s some Superman appearance, yawn.

Then there’s some female Lobo-ette type girl, who’s seemingly a ripoff of Nebula from GotG? Or maybe she did exist before. Anyhow, she and Lobo are both apparently the appointed protectors of their planets, but Lobo killed his planetary leader for being evil/immoral/on the wrong path or some shit.
Lobo-ette, well she did the same thing to Lobo’s home planet’s twin planet. So they’re meant to be together? Or at war? Or something.

Honestly, I have such aching desire NOT to re-read this, even to save you all, that I’m just not going to bother trying.

The plot was hackneyed, stunted, idiotic, and chaos of the wrong kind. The character everyone wanted to see and thought they would see, was dead in the first few pages, DC editorial pretty much shitting all over the original creation of Lobo. He’s not a tweaked version, he’s literally a different character.

I didn’t know much about Lobo, but I wanted to know more, and this did NOT help. I’d like to go find old stuff now.

The best part? the moratorium on reviews until publish day (last week) helped my mind forget the pain and stupidity. I can’t pass it all on to you, my loyal reader(z)? and you’re much the happier for it.

DC?

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DO. NOT. READ. THIS. PIECE. OF. JUNK.


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Review: All-New Doop, by Peter Milligan

All-New DoopAll-New Doop by Peter Milligan
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Read in conjunction with DD week…D for Doop. Dumb, Dimwitted, Dullard, De-tarded, dispicable, displaced, depressing, desperate, etc.


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Doop was a pleasant Lillie addition to the Wolverine and the X-Men book by Jason Aaron, comic relief and inside jokes, but not a focus very often.

I guess he was a hit, so they decided to make a book about him…oh that was a baaad idea.

He’s the summary: what rhymes with Doop? Poop. What’s a synonym for Poop? Shit. This book is what? Yup.

Art stinks, story is just a suggestion here, not and actual plot, and they make Doop into a creepy voyeur who obsesses over Kitty. He videotapes everything, and then slides through the margins (because he’s a MARGINAL character, get it?) to help? Or just manipulate events. He also has a terrible storyline where he discovers that his mother is actually an asexual hermaphrodite. Oh that’s so funny! Hahaha someone is different! Also, early on, they let Doop speak English, which kinda takes away any need to be clever at all. This is a big fat turd of a book.

Doop is Poop.


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Review: X-Women No. 1 by Chris Claremont, Milo Manara (artist)

X-Women No. 1 (One Shot)X-Women No. 1 by Chris Claremont

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


Who let this shit slide through?!

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Go on a high-flying, death-defying, globetrotting adventure with your favorite X-Ladies. Storm, Psylocke, Shadowcat, Marvel Girl and Rogue save the world and look great doing it.

When I read the ‘and look great doing it’ part of the blurb, I thought this might be a little campy, but I never thought it would be downright insulting. After all, this was written in 2010. How bad could it be?

Well, bad enough that by the end of this, I looked a bit green…

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I’m not sure I can adequately explain the rage monster, so I’ll let the pictures help me tell the story.

The X-Gals go on vacation together for a little Girl Time.
Poor Kitty didn’t have a bathing suit, so she just used dental floss to cover her ass.

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After a night of drinking, Rachel gets kidnapped. As per usual.
But the X-Babes roll in to save her in the sexiest way possible.
Except she can’t leave, because they’ve got Emma Frost locked up, too!

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Oh no! They’ve lost their powers!
But Storm still has the power to get her ass in Rachel’s face.
Tee-Hee!

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Well at least something good came out of them losing their powers.
I mean, at least now Rogue can…touch the other women.

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Oh, and they can all lounge around in their panties making pouty lips.
Bonus!

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More unrealistic things happen, and all the ladies end up as extras in a soft-core cable porn movie.
Hapless Prisoners on the Island!
Isn’t the bamboo gag a nice touch?
My Rage Monster thought so, too!

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The smarmy guy with the goggles on his head is the leader of this island, and he take a shine to our fair Storm. He’s married to an equally over-sexualized woman who makes lots of angry/jealous faces while her husband paws at Ororo.

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She resists him at first, but eventually offers to stop struggling if he will free her friends.
But, no. He says he likes the struggle…

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Don’t worry! With the help of their new island buddy, Mr. McRapey, they take out the bad guys and rescue their friends.
Oh, look! That darn McRapey just can’t seem to leave Storm alone, can he?
*giggle*

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I’m so angry. So, so angry.
Even though I’ve always thought his dialogue was dry, crunchy, and stuck in the 80’s, I still used to have a modicum of respect of Chris Claremont.
He’s Mr. X-man, and his stories were responsible for changing things in the mutant universe. And he’s The Guy who changed a lot of things about the way comics were made, as well.
But you know what?
That shit will only carry you so far in my book. He pretty much has one more chance to redeem himself, before I totally write him off as an author. I get that he wasn’t responsible for the artwork, but that whole storyline with Storm was unacceptable.
Unacceptable! Do you hear me?!

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As for the artist, Milo Manara?
Well, this isn’t the first time he’s managed to Porn-up a female superhero.
He may have talent, but he shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a mainstream comic book. His artwork is laughably erotic. And to be honest, I was laughing while I was reading this shit.
Well, right up till my daughter asked me what was so funny.
Shockingly, I didn’t find it nearly as funny anymore.
The thought that my daughters could read this, and perhaps even think that this degrading, offensive, and hypersexualized version of women was something to aspire to?

I. Don’t. Think. So.

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Review: Harley Quinn, Vol. 1: Hot in the City by Amanda Conner

Harley Quinn, Vol. 1: Hot in the CityHarley Quinn, Vol. 1: Hot in the City by Amanda Conner

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Ok guys, here is my rather late contribution to Sidekicks week.

As one may reasonably deduce from the rating, I disliked this book with every fiber of my being. It is a well known fact that in order to be a good comics fan, you must:  Continue reading

Review: Minimum Wage Vol. 1 – Focus on the Strange, by some New Yorker who thinks being a loser is cool.

Minimum Wage Volume 1: Focus on the StrangeMinimum Wage Volume 1: Focus on the Strange by Bob Fingerman
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

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***I will keep doing INDY WEEK stuff, as I don’t have any FF on hand, and the library I’ve read all of them***

A Whiny main character who’s moved back in with his mother after his split/impending divorce from his wife.

A 25 year old protagonist who’s friends are all fucking morons who think having sex or a regular girl will solve all the problems.

Emo before emo, as in woe is me I’m so down and sad but that’s art man.

Rather offensive homophobia runs rampant in this book as well, numerous times characters make fun of male friendships being “homo” or whatnot. Being very sure to avoid anything which might make someone else think you’re gay, being REALLY worried about complete strangers and their opinions.

Oh and of course, the casual racism. Cab drivers wear turbans; all Jewish girls are actually sluts who love Bacon; and so on.

Oh and there’s a lot of sex.

So if you’re 15, this might appeal to you. But if you’ve ever actually touched a boobie? I think you might be beyond this.

All the women are portrayed as weirdos and in a negative light, and even though the main character has sexual relationships with 3 different women over the course of a few months, they all seem to be the ones who are made to look like the strange ones, but he, the loser who needs to move out of mom’s place, isn’t?

I just don’t want to read about schlubs. No schmucks, no losers, no pre-definition hipsters, or neurotic obsessives. All his friends are mostly dicks, and his best friend is more interested in getting laid by a former TV star than anything.

This just screams early 90s, when it might have passed for edgy or artsy; here it just seems lame and one-dimensional.


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