Scarlet Witch by Dan Abnett

The Avengers: Scarlet WitchThe Avengers: Scarlet Witch by Dan Abnett
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

This book is so bad, it’s hilarious.
I understand the material is old (it’s stuff from the 70’s), it was a different time back then and comics are still not that kind towards women.
I recommend this only if you:

(a) Want to have every feminist bone in your body broken horribly
(b) Want to read a series of useless stories that defy common sense
(c) Want to see Wanda in a swimsuit
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Review: Avengers: Millennium by Mike Costa

Avengers: MillenniumAvengers: Millennium by Mike Costa
My rating: 3 of 5 stars




Time Traaaaaavel!
It was a cockamamie plot with no real point, but I’m sort of used to that by now, so it didn’t really faze me.


But the characters were cool, the dialogue was funny, and the story didn’t seem to take itself very seriously. So. Yeah, I liked it well enough.


Alrighty! Wanda and Pietro are on vacation together.
Because that’s what most normal grown brothers and sisters do.
They vacation together. Alone. Without anyone else.
Not creepy or weird…at all. *cough*



But whatever. The point is, Wanda senses a disturbance in The Force, and sends Pietro scurrying back to the Avengers mansion to collect reinforcements.


The Avengers wisely decide to step through a Hydra time portal, end up getting separated across the time stream, and hilarity ensues.
What follows is a nonsensical story about Hydra burying a dragon egg in the past, a burned out dystopian future, and Peter dressing up as a Geisha during of of the World Wars.
I forget which one. And, face it, it doesn’t really matter anyway.


I still don’t know how they managed to fix it all, but that’s ok, because I don’t think they did either. Basically Cap, who is hanging out with Hawkeye and Quicksilver in the Days of Cavemen, (somehow) manages to freeze himself again…


Tony, Peter, and Natasha find Capsicle in Japan…but leave him frozen so that Bruce and Wanda can find him someday in the farfarfar future.
And…*cough*…for some reason, this ends up helping them all get back to the past/future/present. Anyway, they all meet up again, and open up a can of whoop-ass on a poor man’s Godzilla monster called Kakaranatharaian.
I swear to God!


Right. They beat both Hydra and Godzilla by…
You know what, they don’t even pretend to know, so I’m not going to even pretend to explain it.
Hawkeye just dribbled some Magic Dirt over what was left of the egg, and they electrocuted it with Time Syrup or something, and everything goes back to normal.


The end!
And I know that sounds horrible, but this wasn’t all that bad. It was kinda of fun in a WhoTheFuckCares sort of way. Just silly comic book antics, you know?

Alright, because this was only 4 issues long, Marvel kindly thought to pad this one with some ancient issues from the days of yore. And in keeping with the theme, we get the best time travel stories from 1963!
Avengers # 56 & #71
I know, right?! Now settle down so I can tell you all about it.
The first one is about the gang going back in time because Cap wants to confirm that Bucky really died. He’s holding out hope that his little pal made it off that rocket before it exploded.


Poor Steve…so delusional. Let it go, buddy. Bucky is gone, and he’s never coming back.


Of course, this volume wouldn’t be complete without a story about Kang, now would it?
Lucky us, it’s complete!


On the back says, My god is it good.
Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far, but I would say, My god it could’ve been a whole helluva lot worse.

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Review: A vs. X by Brian Michael Bendis and Friends.

Avengers vs. X-MenAvengers vs. X-Men by Brian Michael Bendis
My rating: 2 of 5 stars


I am glad I didn’t hold off reading all the stuff that comes after this (pretty much all of AvsX leads into the Marvel NOW! Relaunch-y-ish-type thing. Makes a bit more sense now, but I had already pieced it together based on HOW GODDAMN OFTEN THEY TELL US THAT THE PHOENIX FORCE WENT INTO THE X-MEN IT DID!


You know what? The story served it’s purpose. I can see how some think it’s a bit lazy to bring Scarlet Witch out of nowhere to be part of this, but I enjoyed it. Even the characters are like WTF is SHE doing here? I’m willing to see this as a cyclical karmic balancing of House of M. However, I like that the answer has to do with Hope AND Scarlet Witch, not just one of them. It’s the cooperation fostered that I think should be the telling moment of the series.

Instead, it’s how quickly can shit escalate to 11.

Cap and Cyclops are pretty much the same character. “I will take the burden of leadership. I am a great leader of people, everyone counts on me”
Except then they both shit the bed in terms of actually sitting down and TALKING about this.

Of course the fighting is very cool.
The FIRST time…
The other problem is that NONE of the characters outside of about a dozen actually factor in at all.
(Cap, Tony, Logan, Cyke, Emma, Namor, the Rasputins, and a few others).
I was pleased to see Iron Fist get an actual speaking role! With some importance! It’s a first for Danny Rand in a real event book.

However, other than the 5 X-Men who get the Phoenix force, the rest of them are just shunned to the fringes of irrelevancy.
Maybe they’re more present in other AVX books? But, other than a little bit of Storm, and a touch of Rogue, all we get is the 5 of them going all supernova.

This is a spot where I feel like they lost the chance to give Magneto a much more crucial part (even though they did in a way).

There should have been a LOT more focus on Logan and his pull between the 2, especially since both Scott AND Steve treat him like a loose cannon asshole, when in fact, he’s probably the most realistic about the whole issue.

The thing is, this book misses a LOT of opportunities to actually go into character relationships. Other than Black Panther/Storm and a little bit of Scarlet Witch/Vision, we don’t get much on the relationships here, much is just thrown out the window so the artists can do punchy mcpunchersons again.

I think with the writers here (Bendis, Aaron, Brubaker, Hickman and Fraction), they have the Top of Marvel’s heap, yet it seems like they were forced to do this one, and the different voices actually take away from the cohesion of the whole story. I would like to blame some of this on editorial staff, because otherwise it means some of my favourites actually wrote some horridly turgid shit here.

There’s just such a rich history to delve into here, and it just turns into: how many ways can Cap throw Avengers at Cyke and the Phoenix 5 until Tony Stark figures some shit out?

Oh ya, and where the F was the FF? (Other than Benny) You think Reed is going to let this all happen without involving himself or his brain? The FF is the perfect go between here, because they’ve served as Avengers, but they’re separate and they understand what changes like mutations do (ESPECIALLY BENNY!).

Oh and, I’m hoping someone will explain why Hulk doesn’t show up until the end? They make a huge deal of Cap asking him for help, and then he’s barely used at all…was this a point at which Banner was unavailable? Because otherwise, he, Pym, McCoy and Stark should have been working on some answer.

In the end, what might have been will never be known, because this milquetoast shit happened instead. Other than making Scotty into the biggest badguy since Magneto (irony of ironies, Erik was the one trying to talk him down). I am glad to see that they took the events here and used them to the best they could (Scott/Logans X-Men, Uncanny Avengers, etc.)

I just really wish they’d DONE something instead of throw every character at the books and hope things would stick. We really didn’t need Luke Cage, Daredevil, Red Hulk, and a lot of others if they weren’t doing anything. It should really have been called “The entire roster of Avengers and reserves from the last decade+ versus the Mutant Power Couple, Namor and the Ruskie Sibs.
(speaking of that, who decided that Peter would have ABSOLUTELY NO PERSONALITY WHATSOEVER???? Based on who he is/was, he should have been the first one to reject the Phoenix power. There’s some few lines about not liking Ilyana’s angry rage, but that’s about it).

OK I’m going to stop, because I realize I could go on and on raging about what went wrong here forever. That’s not the best result for a major event book like this.

Do yourself a favour and focus on the aftermath instead:

Prof X is dead at Cyclops’ hand, which opens the door to him being the badguy mutant outlaw, which actually suits him better and makes him more interesting. So in that regard, SUCCESS! Now to wait for the return.

Miss this and save the headaches.

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