Review: The Boys: Vol. 8 – Highland Laddie; by Garth Ennis.

The Boys, Volume 8: Highland LaddieThe Boys, Volume 8: Highland Laddie by Garth Ennis
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

To quote Wee Hughie: “I Ken sez tis shite”.

This is a diversion from the Boys into a Hughie backstory/sidestory.

It could have been interesting; instead it was a meandering, boring, impossible to understand (literally, the dialogue is stupid, and I grew up with a Scottish Great Gran and neighbours, but I could barely figure some things out).

Throw in 5 issues of Hughie whining about EVERYTHING and I just wanted to bitch slap him like the boring piece of shit he acts like in this.

He visits friends and complains about them, he complains about his parents, he complains about his EX, who then shows up and of course, in a long rambling conversation, manages to get back into his good graces.

It also involves a subplot of Hughie and his mates being the Fucking Hardy Boys or some shit. (yawn) and talking to an older fellow like a free psychiatrist and taking his food for free.

By the end of the book, Hughie is a weeping baby of a pathetic sack. I have no problem emoting, and cry at Christmas commercials, but this volume did nothing but make me skim. I may just be at saturation for Ennis, or maybe it just jumped the shark, but I nearly just walked away from this book, and I’m not sure I want to rush into the rest of the series…

It makes it clear to me, that Hughie is supposed to be our entry point to relating to this, but he’s too boring. This book just highlighted it and did everything in Ennis’ power to undo the last 7 volumes of good work.

I couldn’t suggest any stronger an option to anyone but to skip this and go right to Vol. 9 from 7.

Ugh. Terrible Shite.

Fat jokes, tranny jokes, sex jokes, dumb violence. Either Ennis slipped, or this is just what he’s become and he can’t hide it anymore…I was NOT impressed.


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Review: Avengers: Prelude to Infinity – by that Stoner, Jonathan Hickman

Avengers, Vol. 3: Prelude to InfinityAvengers, Vol. 3: Prelude to Infinity by Jonathan Hickman
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Yet another case of the library only having Vol. 3 and not even having ordered 1 or 2! Yet, I read Thor Vol 2 the other day w/o 1 and it was great! So I took the chance here…

BIG Mistake.

This is so head scratching and confusing, I have no idea who the non Avenger Avengers are, who are all these cosmic types?

Hyperion? Huh? Captain Universe??? REALLY?

Gobbledygook about new evolution, dying world, eternal versus man, blah blah blah.

Kinda like coming in after the halfway point in a Terry Gilliam movie with absolutely NO CONTEXT.

Prelude to Infinity…OK I’m guessing INFINITY is THE CROSSOVER EVENT OF 201…insert number here.

No thanks.
Based on this I also don’t plan to check out the previous vols.

To put in context, I only gave this 2 because I don’t believe it’s fair to criticize a book too much when you are missing the first 10 chapters.

However…Hickman’s East of West is positively genius compared to this, and that left my mind just scratchy and dented.

This is a big fat “NO” for me.

I’ll stick to the Illuminati Avengers book instead.


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Review: Deathmatch by Paul Jenkins

Deathmatch Vol. 1Deathmatch Vol. 1 by Paul Jenkins
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

***Note: To be fair, I didn’t finish this one. That being said, read enough of my reviews and you’ll see I almost NEVER leave a comic unread. That’s testament enough.***

This one sucked goat boners.

Total ripoff of Avengers Arena, which I didn’t really think was amazeballs (as the kids like Kat say) as others did.

Yawn. Boring facsimilies of real characters, fighting, mysterious badguys, supposed relationships being destroyed…been there, done that…much better as well thank you very much.

Don’t waste your time.

Sam did a perfectly splendid job on telling you why this book is utter tripe, so there’s no point in me rehashing, other than to agree, ’tis Shite!


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Review: Demon Knights, Vol. 2: The Avalon Trap by Paul Cornell , Diogenes Neves (Illustrations), Bernard Chang (Illustrator), Robson Rocha (Illustrator)

Demon Knights, Vol. 2: The Avalon TrapDemon Knights, Vol. 2: The Avalon Trap by Paul Cornell

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I was absolutely in love with volume one of Demon Knights. I gushed, I cooed, I yammered on…like I do.
So.
Yeah. This bullshit was pretty disappointing.
And maybe I’m just being a pissy little bitch because I’m bloated from all the turkey I ate, but I don’t think so.
I don’t even know what the fuck this was about…

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What the hell is that?!
Is the sea dragon wearing a box of pirates on his head?
Why, yes. Apparently it is.
And that is just the tip of the stupidity!
Nothing about how this story was told made sense. It just kind of rambled around, never really going anywhere.
I’m not sure why this group was still together, I’m not sure what they were hoping to accomplish, and I’m still not sure about who half of them are.
Best part?
I don’t care!
I mean, how could they cancel a title with amazing characters such as:
Horsewoman!
As in, a woman…who must LIVE on her horse!
Question: What does she so when she needs to pee?
Or what about the Shining Knight? Or Random Amazon (can’t remember her name)? Or Inventor Dude (again…can’t remember his name)?
None of these guys played any kind of an important role in the story. And I’m not really sure there was a real story that happened here anyway.

Ugh. Not worth it.

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Review: Justice League – Trinity War – by Geoff Johns and some other morons.

Justice League: Trinity WarJustice League: Trinity War by Geoff Johns
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Ugh.

You know when you go to Denny’s, and you feel guilty when you walk in, but you go sit down anyhow? Even though the last few times you’ve eaten there, it wasn’t all that good? Then you say, I’m just going to get a Coke…but you look at the menu, and end up ordering something that looks good on the menu picture?
However, when it shows up, you’re thinking uh-oh…this is a bad idea; but your brain tells you “You’ve already come this far, you idiot; might as well eat”.
Then you eat it, and there’s a few tasty bites, but mostly not? Then you finish, just because, your mom told you kids are starving in Africa, so you don’t want to feel guilty.
You pay the bill, and before you’re even out the door, your stomach hurts and you feel bloated and nauseous, and you’re thinking “Why the fuck did I ever come back here?”

That’s this book.

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The worst part is? I know I’m going to fuckin’ eat at Geoff Johns’ Denny’s again. I honestly don’t want to discuss this colossal negative meh anymore.

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Marvel Knights: X-Men – Haunted; by some hack.

Marvel Knights: X-Men: HauntedMarvel Knights: X-Men: Haunted by Brahm Revel
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

The art here is the saving grace. Without it, I think this is a 1-star book.

At the end of the story, the author thanks Marvel for letting him into the Big Leagues so to speak, and then says he’s going back to the minors…I think if fate is kind, he’ll land on the DL and retire from baseball altogether…please.

Rachel Gray has a dream about a mutant being murdered…cue road trip to West Virginia/Kentucky Coal land. Banjos start a twanging. (West Virginia, the only state my American father ever told me to keep my head down and out of sight of the windows when we drove through..)

Wolverine, Kitty and Rogue go investigate…but if they’re running a school, why do you send the headmaster AND the #2 (Kitty)? Isn’t that a bad idea?
Also, don’t you send the person who had the vision (because it wasn’t a dream, it was real, says Beast).

Anyhoo, hillbilly central: 1 Mutant dead/murdered. Survivalists hopped up on drugs trade them for guns with a local biker gang, all deals brokered by the Sheriff. Of course, he also happens to be the uncle of one of the other mutants…who uses her powers to help him because he’s such a winner…

The powers are re-DICK-you-lose. Mutant one: is pretty much Obi Wan Kenobi, and can Jedi Mind trick you into believing whatever she wants.

The other: can manifest anyone’s memories into living breathing reality, so that your past can come back to kill you.

so somehow, out of nowhere, podunk nowhere ends up housing not 1, but 2 Omega Level crazy powerful mutants…RIGHT. And they don’t even know about each other…they’re just both hillbilly white trash chicks, who are only linked by the fact that both their moms killed themselves due to their daughters’ weirdness.

Super fun so far eh?

Well the powers get unleashed against the X peeps, yet only Rogue and Wolverine seem affected negatively. They fight their past (Brotherhood of Mutants, Carol Danvers, etc. and Logan and Rogue talk shit about how bad each other was in the past, and how they’re no good.

Meanwhile, Kitty has her past visit her, and of course, it’s Prof X. He’s manifested as real, and leads his students to victory.

What do we learn? 1 – The X-Men are stupid.
2 – Wolverine is one dimensional and angry…and stupid.
3- Rogue is powerful…and stupid.
4 – apparently Kitty has not a single negative memory at all.
5- each of them takes a long time to realize they can just remember other X-Men to help them fight…and so Storm, Nightcrawler and Colossus show up manifested from the past and fight the baddies (who are the Bikers and Cult members of course).

Then the young muties must befriend and trust each other to stop the madness…

Something something something…my brain hurts more than if I drank a whole bottle of Bourbon last night.

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Review: Ultimate Comics X-Men, by Brian Wood

Ultimate Comics X-Men by Brian Wood Volume 2Ultimate Comics X-Men by Brian Wood Volume 2 by Brian Wood
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

***I’m way behind, I only read the first Volume by Nick Spencer, so I’m behind about 18 issues or so, and I have no idea where most of this is coming from***

Kitty Pryde is the pacifist leader of the X-Men, living in Utopia (this time a reservation, terraformed, as opposed to an island). She has 2 factions, those that follow her, and those that follow Mach 2, a teen Morlock Mutant.

Those that follow Kitty include Storm (very much the same as Marvel 616 version), James “Jimmy” Hudson (son of Wolverine, very similar); Rogue (very different, sort of Earth Mother type here), and some others.

Mach 2 (Magneto type power over metal) has Warpath (same as 616), Psylocke (a very different version), and some others. Mach 2 is about retribution against human crimes (again similar to Magneto).

Throw into the mix that Jean Gray (who is Karen Grant here) is the mistress of Tian (the land of Zorn and Xorn) is at odds with Kitty, and wants all the mutants to live under her in Tian.

Clear yet?

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Ya.

So meanwhile, the humans don’t like things, so bad humans send General Ross (yes, that one) to kick them off the reservation…except, he’s actually a pretty decent guy here, not the same 616 maniac.

Turns out, someone in Utopia is manipulating events to get Utopia to fall apart…

shock. If you don’t like teams fighting themselves, then this isn’t the book for you.

By the time the end of the volume rolls around, Jean Grey has infiltrated Utopia, they’ve fought off the military (thanks to Rogue and the environment – utopia is like Krakoa, an intelligent ecosystem), and Kitty and Jean have a head to head…which puts things thru to the next volume.

Meanwhile, Hudson has managed to get both factions in Utopia to work together (but only to fight invaders..)

Ya…so that’s what happens.

I don’t think I missed much.

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Review: Green Lantern:New Guardians – Vol.2 – Beyond Hope (by Tony Bedard)

Green Lantern: New Guardians, Vol. 2: Beyond HopeGreen Lantern: New Guardians, Vol. 2: Beyond Hope by Tony Bedard
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Ho-hum, “Lanternkyle” and his rainbow brigade follow the multi-coloured brick road all over the universe to recharge their batteries. Literally.

Results in a Blue Beetle crossover…completely unnecessary. It made more sense now, having read both volumes it appears in, but still…I see that BB is tied into the baddies that attacked the Blue Lanterns, but what does that mean? BB is long cancelled.

Red and Green have an interesting sexual chemistry going, want to see where that goes…but no such luck.

Glommy, our resident orange DC version of Doop, is heroic here (aww special little guy!).

We see what Sinestro is up to with Hal (thru the eyes of another Yellow Lantern/Sinestro Corps eyes).

Sapphire Fatality gets a bit of screen time, but yawn. Nok, the Indigo Tribe member is the one we get nothing much about and he’s interesting me.

Saint Walker may be one of the few characters to come out of this whole Reading Rainbow that might be worth salvaging.

Kyle is…well…boring. Hal’s original, Alan Scott moreso, and even John Stewart is an angry badass. Hell, Guy’s got a story, and this new Simon fella is probably interesting…but Kyle? Nope. Just…no.

Let’s hope for a culling. I think it’s stupid that the whole universe only finds willpower (Green Lantern Spectrum) on Earth…Hal/Kyle/John/Guy, etc. Really? some planets have no one…

So some shit happens, and if you follow ALL the GL titles closely…you’re still going to have to call Geoff Johns at home to ask WTF?

Not really worth the effort.

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X-Men Vol 2: Muertas; by Brian Wood.

X-Men, Vol. 2: MuertasX-Men, Vol. 2: Muertas by Brian Wood
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This is actually less than a 2-star book.

It should be called X-(wo)Men; how many ovaries can we throw into one book?

This was supposed to be a great idea, a team we could enjoy, by a great writer (Wood). Instead, it feels like a gimmick-y, quota-filler.

So from last time, and then the events of Battle of the Atom; Kitty is no longer in the picture, nor is Rogue (still not sure why on her). Instead we’ve got that chick who was in the coma and then became possessed by John Sublime’s “sister”, and is now back better than ever. Oh and some other girl. She seems pretty strong.

Apparently all they needed was a world-crisis, and Storm and Rach are besties again. (Maybe Kitty just pissed them both off?)

Anyhow, Lady Deathstrike returns (this time as an entity/spirit, who is unleashed by a rich Latino hottie teenager…who likes to paint herself like Day of the Dead…right.

Apparently all you need to do is bring back the “spirit/soul/aura” of anyone, shoot them into a new body, and boom. Wood seems to use this for everyone.

Last volume; here, with more baddie ladies: Maddy Pryor, Selene (both of the Hellfire Club) and the Enchantress, who was on Earth cast out by Thor? Apparently everyone wants to team up to get more power? IDK…really.

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Honestly, I just gave up. I didn’t try to understand, I didn’t try to let it make sense, I just said OK, sure, whatever you say.

Storm decides to let Pryor and Selene go? Enchantress walks away? Lady Deathstrike doesn’t want to be her anymore? Seriously? WTF? I’m just so not interested. I swear, Wood just gave up and didn’t care anymore? Who knows.

I read this yesterday, and I’m already straining to remember more than good girls(and randoms) versus baddies(and randoms). There’s also more of the X-(wo)Men leaving to join some other dudettes I’ve never heard of either. WOW bust out the obscure shit…I like obscure, but not this much out of nowhere.

Really, a big swing and a miss for me.

Please don’t sit on this grenade.

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Review: X-Men – Primer; by Brian Wood

X-Men, Vol. 1: PrimerX-Men, Vol. 1: Primer by Brian Wood
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

What a HUGE disappointment.

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Brian Wood! YAY! (DMZ, Northlanders!) with an all-ladies X-(wo)Men team!

So excited by the all ladies all the time, they forgot about plot, or good writing, or character interactions that make sense.

Oh and they also decided to include a bunch of characters no one knows/remembers, which is the fastest way to get new reader and others (ie. ME) to stop caring.

John Sublime (some uber-badass, now seemingly in need of the X-(wo)Men to help him, says that his twin sister’s…spirit? Aura? Being? Hard Drive? USB Stick? Or some shit is alive and has tricked it’s way into the Jean Grey School.

All thanks to:

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Yes that’s right, all thanks to: MALLRAT GIRL! (her given name is Jubilee, and she’s a vampire too apparently, but only needs sunglasses…at night…so she could be called Corey Hart)

Anyhow, Jubes (as someone decided to call her, which makes sense, as she’s about as substantial as a Ju-Jube) randomly takes a baby from the ruins of a Bulgarian hospital; because ya. But do any of these normally rational women make a single mention of baby napping a foreign child who may have parents waiting for it? (actually, no. Jubes is about the only one who feels bad about it, and when Mallrat feels bad about something it usually involves Orange Julius being out of slurpees)

So, cue up evil sister “entity” which possesses some chiquita banana who’s been in a coma while Beast tries to figure out how to save her…

In the midst of it, Storm is ready to make the decision to take her out in order to stop the entity. Apparently Mz. Rachel Grey doesn’t care for this. Funny enough, they decide to make this into a high school popularity bitch fest contest. Instead of saying um…I was Queen of Wakanda, I have been to the future, I survived getting busy with Wolverine, and I’ve had the Black Panther inside of me (No euphemism actually), oh and I’ve been an X-Man since before you were a dirty thought in your dad’s brain; they go to a full out leadership debate.

Hint: if you want a cool new team of ladies, then don’t try and make them just like the men (we DO NOT need you fighting like X and Magneto, Cyclops and Wolvie or anyone else. Just show you’re better than that by getting along). It just feels awkward and forced, like someone said “better have a leadership crisis”. Not “OK Storm is OBV. the boss, since she’s the boss of everything else too. Oh and MOHAWK. Shiver me timbers that’s hot. White hair and everything…mmmmmm.

OK so blah blah, more shit; I think we’ve got Storm; Grey not Jean; Rogue; Betsy Braddock mmm nice new costume fit for the modesty era; Jubes, and I think Kitty was in there too.

Oh and by the way; wouldn’t Kitty be a natural choice for leader behind Storm anyhow? Seriously. I guess they just tried to make Rachel less appealing? Also, it looks like she was on a month long bender….the artwork makes her look exhausted and sorta manga styles.

Evil thingy is defeated; baby is kept; Rogue saves people on a plane by absorbing more powers but somehow this drains her, and she can’t even fly anymore? Also, where the FUCK did she go for the next installments??? She’s not even in Battle of the Atom FFS.

There’s a side story with Jubes taking the baby on a road trip around Cali with Logan, who ends up buying the house she grew up in for her, just cause. Right. Everyone loves Logan, he’s always had a soft spot for vampires mallrats idiotic children who pretend to be X-Men.

You might also have noticed, this is only 4 issues…

So we get Jubes’ “CLASSIC” first appearance, when she is saved by the X-Girls circa 1989 when Storm was still hot, Rogue was Carol Danvers, Dazzler was…really? Dazzler? Isn’t she just Jubilee without the soft Asian vampiric overtones? The one who used her fireworks for making money and disco dancing, not just walking around the mall all day?, oh, and Psylocke who looks like she’s straight outta 1896.

They save her from a…MALL. Yup.

So in all, this is a big disappointment, like forced on me somehow, and I didn’t like it. I really WANTED to like this, truly, I did, but really.

Malls, babynapping, possessed evil entities, and someone thinking they can talk shit about the Goddess of Thunder? Fuck that noise. She’s like Thor without the hammer…(double entendre here…see what I did?).

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