Review: Storm Vol. 1: Make it Rain by Greg Pak

Storm Vol. 1: Make it RainStorm Vol. 1: Make it Rain by Greg Pak

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Ehhhhh.
It was ok. I just thought it would be cooler or something.
I mean, it’s Storm!

description

But it wasn’t as badass as I was hoping. Or as interesting as I was hoping.
Mostly it was just a bunch of unconnected stories about Storm roaming around and doing…you know, do-gooder stuff.

description

She saves people from bad guys, tries to find herself, has lunch with Logan, and then tries to get over his death by attempting to help one of his friends.

Not a bad bunch of stuff, but I was kind of bored by the end of it. And I hate to say that about such a cool character! She just seemed kind of stuffy.
I’m sorry, but this just didn’t inspire me to want to read more about her.

View all my reviews

Review: X-Women No. 1 by Chris Claremont, Milo Manara (artist)

X-Women No. 1 (One Shot)X-Women No. 1 by Chris Claremont

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


Who let this shit slide through?!

description

Go on a high-flying, death-defying, globetrotting adventure with your favorite X-Ladies. Storm, Psylocke, Shadowcat, Marvel Girl and Rogue save the world and look great doing it.

When I read the ‘and look great doing it’ part of the blurb, I thought this might be a little campy, but I never thought it would be downright insulting. After all, this was written in 2010. How bad could it be?

Well, bad enough that by the end of this, I looked a bit green…

description

I’m not sure I can adequately explain the rage monster, so I’ll let the pictures help me tell the story.

The X-Gals go on vacation together for a little Girl Time.
Poor Kitty didn’t have a bathing suit, so she just used dental floss to cover her ass.

description

After a night of drinking, Rachel gets kidnapped. As per usual.
But the X-Babes roll in to save her in the sexiest way possible.
Except she can’t leave, because they’ve got Emma Frost locked up, too!

description

Oh no! They’ve lost their powers!
But Storm still has the power to get her ass in Rachel’s face.
Tee-Hee!

description

Well at least something good came out of them losing their powers.
I mean, at least now Rogue can…touch the other women.

description

Oh, and they can all lounge around in their panties making pouty lips.
Bonus!

description

More unrealistic things happen, and all the ladies end up as extras in a soft-core cable porn movie.
Hapless Prisoners on the Island!
Isn’t the bamboo gag a nice touch?
My Rage Monster thought so, too!

description

The smarmy guy with the goggles on his head is the leader of this island, and he take a shine to our fair Storm. He’s married to an equally over-sexualized woman who makes lots of angry/jealous faces while her husband paws at Ororo.

description

She resists him at first, but eventually offers to stop struggling if he will free her friends.
But, no. He says he likes the struggle…

description

Don’t worry! With the help of their new island buddy, Mr. McRapey, they take out the bad guys and rescue their friends.
Oh, look! That darn McRapey just can’t seem to leave Storm alone, can he?
*giggle*

description

I’m so angry. So, so angry.
Even though I’ve always thought his dialogue was dry, crunchy, and stuck in the 80’s, I still used to have a modicum of respect of Chris Claremont.
He’s Mr. X-man, and his stories were responsible for changing things in the mutant universe. And he’s The Guy who changed a lot of things about the way comics were made, as well.
But you know what?
That shit will only carry you so far in my book. He pretty much has one more chance to redeem himself, before I totally write him off as an author. I get that he wasn’t responsible for the artwork, but that whole storyline with Storm was unacceptable.
Unacceptable! Do you hear me?!

description

As for the artist, Milo Manara?
Well, this isn’t the first time he’s managed to Porn-up a female superhero.
He may have talent, but he shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a mainstream comic book. His artwork is laughably erotic. And to be honest, I was laughing while I was reading this shit.
Well, right up till my daughter asked me what was so funny.
Shockingly, I didn’t find it nearly as funny anymore.
The thought that my daughters could read this, and perhaps even think that this degrading, offensive, and hypersexualized version of women was something to aspire to?

I. Don’t. Think. So.

description

View all my reviews

Review: Ultimate Comics X-Men, by Brian Wood

Ultimate Comics X-Men by Brian Wood Volume 2Ultimate Comics X-Men by Brian Wood Volume 2 by Brian Wood
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

***I’m way behind, I only read the first Volume by Nick Spencer, so I’m behind about 18 issues or so, and I have no idea where most of this is coming from***

Kitty Pryde is the pacifist leader of the X-Men, living in Utopia (this time a reservation, terraformed, as opposed to an island). She has 2 factions, those that follow her, and those that follow Mach 2, a teen Morlock Mutant.

Those that follow Kitty include Storm (very much the same as Marvel 616 version), James “Jimmy” Hudson (son of Wolverine, very similar); Rogue (very different, sort of Earth Mother type here), and some others.

Mach 2 (Magneto type power over metal) has Warpath (same as 616), Psylocke (a very different version), and some others. Mach 2 is about retribution against human crimes (again similar to Magneto).

Throw into the mix that Jean Gray (who is Karen Grant here) is the mistress of Tian (the land of Zorn and Xorn) is at odds with Kitty, and wants all the mutants to live under her in Tian.

Clear yet?

description

Ya.

So meanwhile, the humans don’t like things, so bad humans send General Ross (yes, that one) to kick them off the reservation…except, he’s actually a pretty decent guy here, not the same 616 maniac.

Turns out, someone in Utopia is manipulating events to get Utopia to fall apart…

shock. If you don’t like teams fighting themselves, then this isn’t the book for you.

By the time the end of the volume rolls around, Jean Grey has infiltrated Utopia, they’ve fought off the military (thanks to Rogue and the environment – utopia is like Krakoa, an intelligent ecosystem), and Kitty and Jean have a head to head…which puts things thru to the next volume.

Meanwhile, Hudson has managed to get both factions in Utopia to work together (but only to fight invaders..)

Ya…so that’s what happens.

I don’t think I missed much.

View all my reviews

Get this review and more at:

X-Men Vol 2: Muertas; by Brian Wood.

X-Men, Vol. 2: MuertasX-Men, Vol. 2: Muertas by Brian Wood
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This is actually less than a 2-star book.

It should be called X-(wo)Men; how many ovaries can we throw into one book?

This was supposed to be a great idea, a team we could enjoy, by a great writer (Wood). Instead, it feels like a gimmick-y, quota-filler.

So from last time, and then the events of Battle of the Atom; Kitty is no longer in the picture, nor is Rogue (still not sure why on her). Instead we’ve got that chick who was in the coma and then became possessed by John Sublime’s “sister”, and is now back better than ever. Oh and some other girl. She seems pretty strong.

Apparently all they needed was a world-crisis, and Storm and Rach are besties again. (Maybe Kitty just pissed them both off?)

Anyhow, Lady Deathstrike returns (this time as an entity/spirit, who is unleashed by a rich Latino hottie teenager…who likes to paint herself like Day of the Dead…right.

Apparently all you need to do is bring back the “spirit/soul/aura” of anyone, shoot them into a new body, and boom. Wood seems to use this for everyone.

Last volume; here, with more baddie ladies: Maddy Pryor, Selene (both of the Hellfire Club) and the Enchantress, who was on Earth cast out by Thor? Apparently everyone wants to team up to get more power? IDK…really.

description

Honestly, I just gave up. I didn’t try to understand, I didn’t try to let it make sense, I just said OK, sure, whatever you say.

Storm decides to let Pryor and Selene go? Enchantress walks away? Lady Deathstrike doesn’t want to be her anymore? Seriously? WTF? I’m just so not interested. I swear, Wood just gave up and didn’t care anymore? Who knows.

I read this yesterday, and I’m already straining to remember more than good girls(and randoms) versus baddies(and randoms). There’s also more of the X-(wo)Men leaving to join some other dudettes I’ve never heard of either. WOW bust out the obscure shit…I like obscure, but not this much out of nowhere.

Really, a big swing and a miss for me.

Please don’t sit on this grenade.

Get this review and more at:

View all my reviews

Review: X-Men – Primer; by Brian Wood

X-Men, Vol. 1: PrimerX-Men, Vol. 1: Primer by Brian Wood
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

What a HUGE disappointment.

description

Brian Wood! YAY! (DMZ, Northlanders!) with an all-ladies X-(wo)Men team!

So excited by the all ladies all the time, they forgot about plot, or good writing, or character interactions that make sense.

Oh and they also decided to include a bunch of characters no one knows/remembers, which is the fastest way to get new reader and others (ie. ME) to stop caring.

John Sublime (some uber-badass, now seemingly in need of the X-(wo)Men to help him, says that his twin sister’s…spirit? Aura? Being? Hard Drive? USB Stick? Or some shit is alive and has tricked it’s way into the Jean Grey School.

All thanks to:

description

Yes that’s right, all thanks to: MALLRAT GIRL! (her given name is Jubilee, and she’s a vampire too apparently, but only needs sunglasses…at night…so she could be called Corey Hart)

Anyhow, Jubes (as someone decided to call her, which makes sense, as she’s about as substantial as a Ju-Jube) randomly takes a baby from the ruins of a Bulgarian hospital; because ya. But do any of these normally rational women make a single mention of baby napping a foreign child who may have parents waiting for it? (actually, no. Jubes is about the only one who feels bad about it, and when Mallrat feels bad about something it usually involves Orange Julius being out of slurpees)

So, cue up evil sister “entity” which possesses some chiquita banana who’s been in a coma while Beast tries to figure out how to save her…

In the midst of it, Storm is ready to make the decision to take her out in order to stop the entity. Apparently Mz. Rachel Grey doesn’t care for this. Funny enough, they decide to make this into a high school popularity bitch fest contest. Instead of saying um…I was Queen of Wakanda, I have been to the future, I survived getting busy with Wolverine, and I’ve had the Black Panther inside of me (No euphemism actually), oh and I’ve been an X-Man since before you were a dirty thought in your dad’s brain; they go to a full out leadership debate.

Hint: if you want a cool new team of ladies, then don’t try and make them just like the men (we DO NOT need you fighting like X and Magneto, Cyclops and Wolvie or anyone else. Just show you’re better than that by getting along). It just feels awkward and forced, like someone said “better have a leadership crisis”. Not “OK Storm is OBV. the boss, since she’s the boss of everything else too. Oh and MOHAWK. Shiver me timbers that’s hot. White hair and everything…mmmmmm.

OK so blah blah, more shit; I think we’ve got Storm; Grey not Jean; Rogue; Betsy Braddock mmm nice new costume fit for the modesty era; Jubes, and I think Kitty was in there too.

Oh and by the way; wouldn’t Kitty be a natural choice for leader behind Storm anyhow? Seriously. I guess they just tried to make Rachel less appealing? Also, it looks like she was on a month long bender….the artwork makes her look exhausted and sorta manga styles.

Evil thingy is defeated; baby is kept; Rogue saves people on a plane by absorbing more powers but somehow this drains her, and she can’t even fly anymore? Also, where the FUCK did she go for the next installments??? She’s not even in Battle of the Atom FFS.

There’s a side story with Jubes taking the baby on a road trip around Cali with Logan, who ends up buying the house she grew up in for her, just cause. Right. Everyone loves Logan, he’s always had a soft spot for vampires mallrats idiotic children who pretend to be X-Men.

You might also have noticed, this is only 4 issues…

So we get Jubes’ “CLASSIC” first appearance, when she is saved by the X-Girls circa 1989 when Storm was still hot, Rogue was Carol Danvers, Dazzler was…really? Dazzler? Isn’t she just Jubilee without the soft Asian vampiric overtones? The one who used her fireworks for making money and disco dancing, not just walking around the mall all day?, oh, and Psylocke who looks like she’s straight outta 1896.

They save her from a…MALL. Yup.

So in all, this is a big disappointment, like forced on me somehow, and I didn’t like it. I really WANTED to like this, truly, I did, but really.

Malls, babynapping, possessed evil entities, and someone thinking they can talk shit about the Goddess of Thunder? Fuck that noise. She’s like Thor without the hammer…(double entendre here…see what I did?).

Get this review and more at:

View all my reviews