My rating: 2 of 5 stars
You’d think there’s very little that could go wrong with this. Like, the backstory of an awesomely megalomaniac villain must be fun to read.
You’d be wrong.
Welcome to an interview with Thanos, folks.
Host: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the terror of the universe, the scourge of Titan and all round kicker of puppies. Please welcome THANOS!
Host: How are you today, Thanos?
Thanos: That’s Lord Thanos to you, vermin.
Host: My apologies. Of course. So, duke of disaster, tell us a bit about your childhood.
Thanos: When I was born, the heavens celebrated my birth by having my mother almost stab me in the face. Luckily, my father being the blind bat he was, saved me.
Host: How delightful! I just adore villains with mommy issues! Of course, they’re a dime a dozen these days, but who cares?
Thanos: Then you will enjoy the rest of this tale. I spent the rest of this idyllic time being a child genius, intelligent but socially awkward and naturally when I tried to interact with them, they either ostracized me or we almost got eaten by ravenous lizards in an abandoned cave.
Host: Sounds fun! Oh, the nostalgia. I would have thought that you’d be less cliched in your past, but it seems not. Did you have any youthful crushes?
Thanos: Such things are beneath me. I had a complex love-hate relationship with this young woman who turned out to be Death personifed and then turned out to be a figment of my deeply twisted mind.
Host: Fantastic! Just the sort of thing our readers want to see! You being schizophrenic makes everything so much better, king of catastrophes.
Thanos: Indeed, if I do say so myself. Over the course of my glorious life, I have killed my own children, my own wives (yes plural), my own parents, my own planet and possibly my own sanity along with a few million others. This not counting the initial 17 experiments of course.
Host: Ooh, how exciting! You were of a scientific bent? Tell me more.
Thanos: You see, I wanted to find out why I wasn’t like the others. Why I wasn’t loved. So I decided to cut people open alive, because as supremely intelligent as I am, I can’t seem to even grasp the concept of emotion.
Host: Awww! You just wanted to be loved! That’s…just about everyone’s story, but I’ll take it! So what are you doing now?
Thanos: Now? Nothing.
Host: Are you taking a break from slaughter then? I imagine it must get very tiring.
Thanos: No, I honestly have nothing to do except sit in my rotating chair and wait for Marvel movies to call. I pretty much conquered the universe.
Host: Ah well, that’s the price of perfidy I guess. It’s been wonderful having you with us, Lord Thanos! Happy…err…brooding!
Host: And that’s all for today folks! Stay tuned for sneak peeks from our next episode, featuring that random guy in a mask from Scooby Doo!
Honestly though, what a waste of time. It was just a copy of Perfume: Story of a Murderer with nice art. At least I get to be sarcastic for while.