OK this is the comically bad type of book…as in I want to see how bad it can get…it’s not one of those misogynist or homophobic or just stupid books, it’s just a lame book with stiff writing.
So, at the end of last volume, Deadshot shot Regulus by shooting through himself! So there really was a Suicide on the Suicide Squad…although I read it as he just wounded himself…and I read it like 4 hours ago…Anyhoo…moving right along to the start of Vol. 3 and we’re having a military funeral for Deady because well once a Marine, always a Marine, even a high-priced Assassin one.
Who should crash the funeral? Why Harley’s long lost boyfriend, Mr. Nicholas Face-Off Cage himself, the Heath Ledger!
He’s not so happy that Harley and Floyd (Deadshot) were getting their Missy Elliot, so they sorta break up in a violent manner, he leaves her chained up in a room full of skeletons…
Flash forward, and Waller is letting Boomerang go for his fine work with Basilisk, when Harley stumbles to the gates of Belle Reve, having escaped Mista J!
Then, who should pop up from the hospital bed, but? (If you said Deadshot, you win a prize. If you said Deadpool, you’re in the wrong company, and also, you’re probably too funny for this GRITTY REBOOT!)
So Deadshot has now returned from the dead, and Harley is healed from her issues…plus, we also have YoYo returned from his time in the King Shark Guts…however, some of them are still not recovered from their Basilisk battle…
So there’s a new mission, Deadshot and Harley are sent on, because of course, they’re the stars of this book. Who should join them? Yo-yo, a recovered King Shark and…Voltaic! (Wait, you ask, who the fuck is that? Why silly reader, that’s one of the members of the Squad from Volume 1 who Deadshot…Shot…Dead…in the Head…with Lead (bullets).) Ya, didn’t really care there, but OK, so they’re all now death proof or some shit, because the smarties finally realize that wait, they should all be dead by now…oh well, it’s time to go on a mission so we’ll just forget all of that stuff…
SIDEBAR! (Judge Ito: So ummm if they cannot be killed, why is this Waller able to bully them into doing her bidding by saying she’ll blow up the Nano-Bombs in their necks? If that’s the case, shouldn’t they just call her bluff? Besides, don’t they know the sequels always fail if they get rid of too many main characters at once?)
Anyhowzers…this time, we’re after a very evil one…Red ORCHID! Who is? Fucked if I know…well turns out, she’s Yo-Yo’s sister (cue up unnecessary flashback number 62 of this series). Yup.
Cue up some ripoff scenes from Kill Bill (room full of ninjas and shoguns and all this stuff of Asian martial arts culture in suits, I was waiting for Lucy Liu, but instead I got Asian Schoolgirls with Morningstars…yup VERY original!)
Voltaic gets stabbed through the heart with a Samurai sword, and doesn’t even flinch, so I’m assuming he’s a zombie or some shit, because he hasn’t said a word since his resurrection, so I’m guessing they’re going to tell us that they unlocked the secret of Resurrection Man (who’s hand they captured last volume…well, cut off and stole I should say…) and that’s why no one dies? I think that might make TOO much sense though, so shame on me…
Anyhoo. Red Orchid appears, alongside whomelse? Why, it’s Regulus! Who’s also not dead (and was just shot-dead by dead-shot…but is not.) how wonderful.
Yoyo’s internal monologue turns on and he becomes all Carpe Diem and heroic, as he leads the troops…
Then we see that Waller has sent them to retrieve a prisoner! Why, it’s KURT LANCE!!!!
(Ummm? Who? Well kiddos, he’s actually Dinah Lance’s husband, who she’s on the run from everyone for apparently murdering!!! – Turns out he too was part of Team 7 with Waller and Regulus (also I think Deathstroke was part of that team)) Ugh for fuck’s sake this is just retarded at this point.
The only reason I give this 2 stars is because of the bitchy joke that gets told: Yoyo tries to rally the troops, and cries out “SUICIDE SQUAD! ASSEMBLE!” to which Deadshot replies “That sounds ridiculous…who says that?” And I was like Oh no you di-int! And he was all, Hells ya I di-id! OOOOH Gurl!
Well apparently, Regulus takes Kurt Lance and flees, and this is enough to make the hard as nails Waller run into combat!
At this point, Red Orchid has won and is about to kill everyone Poison Ivy style, but Yo yo wraps his head around hers, and gets Deadshot to shoot him in the neck (where his nano bomb of course, explodes heartily!). Hero! Yo yo goes out with a bang, but I feel like I’m going to see him in Volume 4 again…I just have a feeling…
The explosion leaves everyone dead..or so Deadshot thinks, until he’s saved by Waller, who’s somehow moved from her home base in Belle Reve, LOUISIANA to GOTHAM CITY in time to save them.
Then cue up the WORST dialogue ever…we’re talking Scott Lobdell, Ann Nocenti and Dan Jurgens rolled into one:
Waller to Deadshot: “Last I checked, I didn’t give you PERMISSION to die!”
Deadshot: “Amanda Waller, I never thought I’d be HAPPY to see you!”
Waller: “Don’t worry Deadshot, that’ll change QUICKLY…”
They all escape, and then Waller tells them they’re on a new mission, Deadshot says NO! Not until you tell me what’s going on! She reminds him of the Nanobomb! He calls her bluff! (For about the 5 trillionth time! No one is going to believe you any more if you don’t follow through Mandy.)
Then Waller…TURNS OFF ALL THEIR BOMBS!
Tells them this is personal, that she used to be on a team like them, Team 7…Kurt Lance is her FRIEND! And she’s going after him NO MATTER WHAT!
But why turn off our bombs?
Because I NEED YOU. And I will remember this if you help me.
And yet, no one shoots her dead right there, even though all of them could escape and be gone.
Then she makes all small talky with Harley, who starts to have a problem with Harleen in her brain and the 2 are fighting for control….
They’re attacked…by the Swamp Thing ripoffs that Regulus mentioned in passing last volume…
Waller is out! Deadshot says the only smart thing in recent memory, that OK, she’s not dead, they saved her, now let’s all fuck right off.
King Shark and Harley then tell him that he gave his word, and his word is his bond…Really??? REALLY? HE’s A FUCKING ASSASSIN! A PATALOGICAL LIAR! HE ALREADY DIED A BUNCH OF TIMES! HIS WORD IS NOTHING!
He’s about to leave anyhow when…”THE Unknown Soldier!” appears and tells him he better keep his word, because even scum like Deadshot should do that…
(And when he introduces himself, his words look like a logo!)
Uknowny (Imma call him dat) then says that he’s super fast and jacked and stronger than all of them and they’re gonna do what Waller wanted…Deadshot calls bullshit…
AND SHOCKINGLY!!!! UKNOWY SHOOTS DEADSHOT DEAD! WITH HIS OWN GUN! AGAIN! JUST LIKE THE END OF THE VERY LAST VOLUME! OH MY GOD! HOW ORIGINAL! I NEVER EVER EVER SAW THAT COMING! YOU JUST REDID THE SAME THING AGAIN! THAT IS SOOO EDGY!…for 1992.
Oh and they all look on with shock as Unknowy proclaims himself the new “Team Leader” of the Suicide Squad.
Tune in NEXT volume, when I predict that Deadshot…will be shot. dead. with his own gun. at the end of Volume 4!
I actually found this comically bad.