Review: Elektra: Assassin by Frank Miller (Text), Bill Sienkiewicz (Illustrator)

Elektra: AssassinElektra: Assassin by Frank Miller

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

 

 

This was a big steaming pile of buttjuice.

I get what Miller was trying to do.
It’s a glimpse into the crazy assassin’s head…
Enter If You DAAAAARE!

What. Ever.
If your main character isn’t going to have even ONE lucid thought, then you need to create some sort of reliable narrator to help the reader wade through her delusional thought process.
Someone who knows fact from fantasy. Instead, we are given a skeevy S.H.I.E.L.D agent whose mind is under Elektra’s control.
And I’m still not sure how the fuck she managed to do that?! But I decided to roll with the psychic ninja shit, because I know very little about Elektra.
Which is why I was reading this in the first place…for all the good it did me.

The first few chapters are nothing more than psychotic ramblings from inside Elektra’s mind.
*I see men with lights…
The lion is old and sick…
I drive away in a truck, my hands coated in blood…
The cat rides with me…
I laugh…

The fuck?!
Except I guess she’s not really there in the jungle anymore. She’s locked up in some facility. Sort of. ‘Cause she gets locked up more than once. But you’re not sure where the hell she is, or even when the hell she is most of the time.
She’s so whacked out of her mind that nothing makes any sense.

Ok. Fine. At least we can figure out what’s going on from Garrett (aka the grody agent), right?
Yeah. No.
He’s just as freakin’ crazy as she is!
Most of the time he makes even less sense than Elektra does.
*Crazy bitch…too many muscles..
Gonna kill her..
Oooh, baby…
I need her…
Oh, baby, no…
Oh, baby, yes…

He’s a fucktard with bad hair. Really bad hair. Swear to God, it takes on a life of it’s own by the end of the book.
*shudder*

And the villain? The Beast!
Wanna know how he gets people to jump on his antichrist bandwagon?
Wait for it…wait for it…
He makes them drink sour milk.
That’s right. Milk.
Also, Elektra and Garrett can tell when he possesses someone.
Because they have mad psychic ninja skills?
Not hardly. Evidently, the devil smells like rotten mayo.
And thou shalt know the Beast by his scent! And the Beast shall smell like rancid Hellman’s!

If you loved this. Bully for you! For me it was like trying to watch Pink Floyd’s The Wall…sober. And, yeah. I did that shit on a dare when I was younger. Guess what? Unless you’re baked, it’s just a really stupid-looking cartoon.
And this is the literary equivalent of that.

*Those are not quotes, just examples. I’m not opening that book up again. Ever.

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